How Empire Destroys Relationshipsfeatured

Social Conditioning Under Empire

 

Lately, I’ve been thinking about the ways our relationships—with ourselves & with others—are influenced by Empire; what many understand as white supremacist imperialism. 

 

Empire perpetuates itself through social conditioning; the process by which societal norms, expectations, & values shape one’s behavior & beliefs. Social conditioning heavily influences our attitudes, decisions, & self concept. 

 

One of the aspects of social conditioning is that it largely operates on a subconscious level. It is our “normal”; reinforced by the cultures we spend the most time with & our roles within said culture.

 

Although social conditioning is a lifelong process, it is most impactful in childhood & adolescence. Our earliest experiences are the foundation upon which all subsequent learning is built. Thus, these experiences have a lasting impact on how we view the world & interact with others. 

 

So, those of us raised in the United States have been engulfed in constant messaging & reinforcement of white supremacist imperialism for pretty much our entire lives thus far.

 

We’ve been conditioned to prioritize our comfort over the needs of others; treat other humans as disposable or replaceable; accept interpersonal & systemic violence as a way of life.

 

We’ve been submerged in manifestations of bigotry too numerous to list in full—misogyny, anti-blackness, & ableism are only a few.

 

American culture is overall disinterested in the welfare of our fellow humans; our animal, plant, insect, & fungi neighbors; & the planet that provides for us all.

 

This has been reinforced non stop–-since infancy.

 

I’ve been thinking about this because I recently experienced some interpersonal conflicts where I could see our social conditioning coming through. This has left me reflecting on the ways this culture seeps into every facet of life, including how we relate to ourselves & one another. 

 

In my case, it led to a severe mental health crisis as well as a devastating heartbreak.

 

Going forward, I’ll be talking about my experience. There will be mentions of suicidality. 

 

How Empire Broke My Heart

 

These past few months, I’d been going through substantial emotional turmoil. Honestly, this was among the most challenging times of my life thus far. 

 

I had lost a significant relationship & my partnership was soon to follow.

 

In addition to that, I was holding grief-rage-despair due to the 2nd anniversary of my brother’s homicide & two ICE executions in my city–-all in the same month.

 

This was on top of the stress of having been verbally abused while managing a heavy workload as a social services provider, & carrying the responsibilities of solo-parenthood.

 

As someone of Stolen African descent with female anatomy who was born in one of the poorest cities in the country, I’m used to carrying the weight of white supremacist imperialism. 

 

I’ve lived with a PTSD diagnosis since I was 11 years old; due to the traumas that came with being born an impoverished Black child in the U.S.

 

The horrors I’ve endured have shaped me into a highly resilient & adaptable person. Even so, the trauma still bears a mountainous weight upon me.

 

& My circumstances began to overwhelm me. I was well past my limit. 

 

I was already wishing for my End–-even considering a stay in a psychiatric institution; something I hadn’t done since I was 16 years old. It felt like a prison back then. Honestly, it still reminds me of prison. 

 

I never thought I’d reach a point where I would willingly commit my Self to that environment; but I was alarmed by the intensity of my depression. It had been years since I’d felt such suffocating despair.

 

After having another frustrating & isolating experience, I reached a point of seriously contemplating my means of suicide. 

 

At that moment, all that I’d read about child exploitation, homicide, & abuse came rushing to the forefront of my mind. To me, these were fates far worse than Death. The thought of leaving my child at the mercy of the world without my protection felt more wrong than us leaving the world together.

 

Thus, I voiced not only my ideation, but an intention to take my child with me if I were to follow through with it. 

 

At the time, I saw it as keeping my child safe from the horrors that were sure to befall them in my absence. I was convinced that I had to die; & did not believe anyone would want to appreciate, protect, or care for my child as I would. 

 

I now know that this thought came from an unhealthy mind. Those aren’t the types of thoughts I want to have. I’ve no right to make that decision about another person’s life. 

 

& Ultimately, I’d rather my child know a beautiful life with a beautiful end. It’s my responsibility to support that.

 

However, my impulse to voice that feeling came from a deeper knowing that I didn’t actually want to follow through with it; & I was in real danger of doing so. 

 

As strongly as I felt about wanting to be done with this life, 

 

I still wanted someone to stop me.

 

As a result of voicing those feelings, I was treated as though I had committed a heinous crime.

 

I was verbally degraded while being threatened with police & CPS unless I entrusted the care of my child to the one who was threatening me. 

 

In their eyes, my words were an attempt at manipulation & proof that I wanted to kill my child. They mentioned jail as a fitting consequence for what I said.

 

I feared the possibility of my child going to foster care, one of the worst places a child could be; or being brutalized by the Minneapolis Police Department, known for multiple civil rights violations in addition to the murder of George Floyd.

 

I feared the person before me, who no longer saw me as someone who deserved to be safe; but a depraved individual who wanted to hurt my child. 

 

I realized I was alone & in real danger as a result of saying the wrong thing to the wrong person. 

 

It was as terrifying as it was heartbreaking. A sorrowful dread twisted my intestines into knots. My body attempted to fold into itself, wanting to hide from our shame. I cried so much, my eyelids buzz when I recall the memory. 

 

The way I had been spoken to made me feel small, worthless, & disgusting. I no longer recognized my Self as a human being. 

 

One of my family members was called to monitor me. I felt I had no choice but to cooperate. I stayed with them for a few days until my child was eventually returned to my care. 

 

During that timeframe, I was blocked from communicating with the person who had my child, forced to communicate through my relative, & spent nearly a day not knowing where my child was because no one notified me.

 

I reacted with anger & was treated as though I had no reason to.

 

I was told that all of this was only done to help me; that I brought this upon myself, so I was wrong to be upset. I had nothing to rightfully be upset about.

 

I’ve not experienced such a lack of agency & respect since my stay in the psych ward at 16 years old—& most of that was due to my being a child.

 

This was genuinely one of the most isolating, degrading experiences of my life.

 

For the first time in years, I fell into psychosis–-convinced that no one cared about me; that I was worthless & everyone wanted to hurt me.

 

I’ve spent these past few years at constant work on my psyche. I began to identify as a mostly mentally healthy person, & I knew others saw me that way as well.

 

It felt humiliating; slowly unfurling from stability & confidence into an agitated mess of nerves. Feeling as though I’d been a fraud all this time; a bad parent, a bad person.

 

Ableism & the Stigma of Mental Illness

 

To me, this is an example of the bias toward mental illness instilled in us by American culture.

 

My manifestations of mental illness are a source of deep shame. I feel inferior for having ever thought & behaved the ways I have; regardless of my disability. My behavior has hurt others & disgraced me. 

 

At the same time, I try to have compassion for my Self. 

 

I’ve just turned 25 years old. I’ve had no examples of a healthy lifestyle or upbringing until these past couple years. I’ve been on my own since I was 17 years old. 

 

It is impossible to endure all I have & emerge unscathed. It is because of what I’ve endured that I am who I am–-including the best parts of Me.

 

I’ve been shaped by my environment, culture, & upbringing. I will make mistakes. I will fall apart. I will hurt people regardless of whether I intend to.

 

That’s a part of being human. Especially one who is navigating the conditions we find ourselves in today.

 

At present, white supremacist imperialism, in government & in culture, is the primary cause for mental illness in the United States.

 

Here, we’re all conditioned with ableism, & mental illness in particular is heavily stigmatized. 

 

For most of the country’s history, people with mental illness were considered little more than a societal blemish. If your behavior was deemed socially inappropriate or potentially dangerous, you were to be locked away from society. 

 

You were no longer considered a person–-& were likely to be subjected to severe abuse or neglect.

 

For those seen as “abnormal”, imprisonment was the most common fate. Psychiatric institutions came later; a slightly more health-oriented prison. 

 

Although progress has been made regarding treatment & community support, jails & prisons still house more people with mental illness than psychiatric hospitals do. 

 

The perspective endures that those with mental illness are dangerous, infantile, & need to be controlled by the sane. 

 

This culture teaches us that you do not truly recover from mental illness like every other health condition, nor do you exist outside of it. Once you are labeled “crazy”, you are always “crazy”. 

 

Being crazy is bad because you make other people feel scared & uncomfortable. When you do bad things, you forfeit your rights as a human being; you need to be punished, controlled, ostracized. 

 

The origin of your illness does not matter either–-only that your illness is inconveniently present.

 

Misogynoir & Disposability

 

My existence in a racialized Black femme body compounds this stigma, because perceptions of my character are also colored by misogynoir; the combination of anti-blackness & misogyny. 

 

On average, I am less likely to receive empathy, more likely to receive hostility, & more likely to be perceived as aggressive, histrionic, or ill-natured. 

 

Misogynoir makes me both sub-human & super-human; where my personhood goes unseen, my experiences are deemed unreal, the worst of me is assumed & I am still expected to always be strong, poised, nurturing, & desirable. 

 

Additionally, I too have been conditioned by anti-black, misogynist messaging–-first within my family of origin, then through the media & further interaction within the world. 

 

I’ve repeatedly experienced the specific kind of abuse reserved for Black women & girls—on a systemic & interpersonal level. It contributes to a lack of self-worth in addition to self-loathing.

 

This conditioning goes deep. 

 

This treatment came from someone I trusted wholeheartedly; who also witnessed the harassment I experienced a few months prior where CPS was weaponized against me to cause emotional distress. 

 

At the time, I spoke at length on how that experience affected me & how it tied into white supremacist imperialism; why CPS is a violent system akin to the police; 

 

& the sheer wickedness of threatening a Black mother, with no history of child abuse, with systems designed to enslave them & their child.

 

This person seemed to understand, to empathize. I leaned on them for support through the ordeal. This person appeared to see me & care for me deeply.

 

& This still happened. 

 

The words I said regarding my & my child’s life had made me go from being someone they cared for, to being a monster. My reasons were irrelevant.

 

Although I had previously been considered a life-long companion, my presence was now of far less value to them. I was no longer deserving of protection, consideration, or respect; & I was treated accordingly. 

 

To me, this is a tragic outcome largely due to our conditioning as Americans.

 

My words triggered a very deep & specific wound for this person; who also lacked the skills to de-escalate a highly stressful, potentially dangerous situation. 

 

Sometimes, I also take on the perspective that someone is “bad” & therefore no longer human–-no longer worthy of my consideration or respect. I’ve had to painstakingly build coping & conflict resolution skills over time; & I am still under-equipped. 

 

In America, we are taught that people are disposable once they stop being “good”. People can be replaced. & Those who choose to be “bad” deserve whatever fate they receive–-they are no longer a person like the rest of us. 

 

This is why the prison-industrial complex goes largely unquestioned in spite of its obviously inhumane nature.

 

We are taught to rely on the police when crime occurs or is anticipated, so there is no need to build defense skills of our own.

 

We are taught to call CPS when children are being harmed or at risk of harm, so there is no need to learn how to support children & families as a member of community. 

 

We are not taught the history of these systems or their impact, so we are unaware of their inherent violence.

 

We are told that this is the only way; so we are not given models for non-violent systems. 

 

There’s precious few places to learn crisis-response & community defense skills; & many of us haven’t yet built the capacity to utilize such skills. 

 

These are things one must go out of their way to find. Sometimes, we don’t know where to look. Some of us haven’t even reached the point of knowing that this is something we need to be looking for.

 

The person who hurt me was overwhelmingly stressed, in fear for my child’s life, also coping with an oppressive reality, & led by a lifetime of white supremacist imperialist conditioning.

 

Their behavior makes sense, considering the circumstances. 

 

Still, it had a heavy impact on me.

 

Initially, my suicidality & self-loathing intensified. 

 

To some of those who were observing me, I was doing very bad. I was made aware of their disgust, disappointment, or inability to understand my behavior.

 

To my own eyes though, that was the best I’ve ever handled such devastatingly overwhelming pain. 

 

I took no actions to harm my Self or my child. Even as I was being degraded & threatened in one of my most vulnerable moments, I did not react with the same violence. 

 

I desperately wanted to hurt my Self & I didn’t.

 

Even after it all, when the person who hurt me reached to me for comfort, I showed up for them; attempting to right my wrong of causing the trauma that I did. My efforts proved futile, for they could not forgive my words about my child, nor did they see truth in my experience.

 

I’ve since befriended my Self enough to establish new habits that support my health. I’m learning what my inner child needs to feel Loved–-what I need to feel whole. I’m remembering my place in the Web of Life.

 

My words did traumatize another though. Our shadows combined to sunder our bond; a once magnificent relationship unraveled in tragedy.

 

It does break my heart–-regardless of their reaction.

 

Still, while I am making an effort to be compassionate; this was a tortuous experience for me. It felt as though I was expected to carry an unbearable weight without breaking a sweat. 

 

I was treated as though something were seriously wrong with me for snapping beneath the stress I was under. As though I should’ve been able to take it or–-at the very least–-snap in a more acceptable way.

 

When I failed to live up to expectations, I was punished & discarded. As though my good no longer mattered, because I was the wrong kind of bad.

 

Although anyone could find themself in such a situation, it was all the more likely for me as a racialized Black femme. Especially when interacting with someone who has not yet confronted deeply rooted misogyny & white supremacy culture.

 

That bias has tarnished many relationships for me, including that with my Self.

 

This experience was central to a near three-month psychotic episode, intensified by the self-loathing of my wounded inner child.

 

By the Love of my community, my practice of Conjure, & the guidance of my Soul, I have managed to find my way back into the light.

 

Responsibility for Self, for Each Other

 

Our ability to empathize & communicate with one another is compromised by the Empire within us. 

 

We struggle to recognize the humanity of another because we’re disconnected from our own. We often can’t even see the humanity in those who are different from us as a result of our conditioning.

 

This is by design–-strong, healthy connections are directly opposed to white supremacist imperialism. 

 

Empire attempts to extinguish Love because it is the only effective means for liberation that we have.

 

Thus, I believe one of the keys to healthy, long term relationships is an awareness of how we’ve all been conditioned by Empire, how this has impacted us & those we’re in relationship with, & how this influences the ways we conduct ourselves.

 

For awareness to be meaningful, it must be coupled with willful acknowledgement & action. Our awareness is only useful when it becomes integrated in our world & shapes how we live. 

 

We will still make mistakes; our conditioning will show; & we must continue choosing to Love. Love is in the actions we take to keep us safe & healthy.

 

Knowing that I’ve been conditioned by white supremacist imperialism, I take it upon my Self to learn more about it & how it shows up in me. I breathe new life into the philosophies & practices of my Ancestors, who survived the worst of it. 

 

Knowing that I lack perspective gives me a drive to build relationships & seek knowledge. It allows me to admit that I don’t know everything, I don’t always know what’s best, & I need others to help me grow.

 

Awareness of my privileges encourages me to learn about the challenges I’ve never had to face & how they’ve impacted those who have had to face them. It reminds me of what liberation means, & the collective responsibility I share.

 

Awareness of the challenges I’ve had to face encourages me to learn more about how I’ve been affected; which allows me to advocate for & protect my Self.

 

I take this work seriously because I now understand that we have a shared responsibility for one another. We depend on other humans to thrive. Right now, we’re depending on each other to change our most destructive habits into something that can support a healthy planet & healthy lives.

 

If I want a kinder world to be possible, I must be someone who values that responsibility. 

 

I have to care. I have to try.

 

& I know that as a result, I am co-creating that world.